No Longer in Charge

An Open Letter

2010-07-24T13:45:00.000-07:00

Dear So Called Friends,

Thank you so much for being such a help to me and my husband when we needed it most. Thank you so much for all your sacrifices and endeavors to help us get further in life. Oh and if this sounds Sarcastic well then "ding ding ding" we have a winner. I'm hurt, hurt beyond belief that I have received no offers of help, and can't get help from anyone that is supposed to be my friend. There are people that want to help but cannot and to those of you, I'm so thankful that you wanted to help and this is not directed towards you at all.

I'm pregnant people, come on, My husband works crazy hours and the family that is close by is working and cannot help. So I look to our "friends". Where I get no support at all. None!!!!!!!! I post we're moving and I get no offers to help, I ask for help and I get a million excuses as to why someone cannot help. It really, really hurts. I cannot lift boxes, I have next to no energy and all I want to do is sit in a corner and cry out of sheer frustration. I do what I can when I can but all I want to do right now is scream. Scream because people I've sacrificed so much for won't take 2 hours out of their day to come help, and I'm hurt.

So next time you need help packing or need help with anything, don't call me. Don't text me and don't send me messages on Face book I won't be there, I'm tried of putting myself out there for people that have no time for me. I know friendship isn't about who does what for someone but when you know someone needs help and is on a time table, it would be really awesome if you would put your friend before your self once in a while. Especially when the person cares about you and has shown it in oh so many ways.

No moving is not fun, yes it is tedious and yes it requires a lot of help and work but does everyone need to scatter like a cockroach startled by lights being turned on at the mention of moving?

There are certain events in life that allow you to find out who your true friends are. This is one of them.

Thanks to everyone that actually did make the effort.

14 hours and 6 minutes to go...

2009-12-31T09:54:00.000-08:00

And 2009 will be but another memory another year and the end of another decade. Here's to 2010 may it be better than 2009. While 2009 brought with it the start of a new path for me, and the day I married my wonderful husband I am not sad to see it go. While my year was not awful it's been a hard year for many of those around me that I love and care about, and I am hoping for a better year for all, whether you had a good year or a bad year, it can always be better.

For me 2009 kind of started out as a new lease on life for me. I lost my job in late 2008 so that afforded me the opportunity to go to school. So February of 2009 I started back to school for the first time in 13 years, I have successfully completed 2 full semesters of school and in 2010 will start my 3rd semester. I am most excited. In 2009 I married my wonderful Husband, who spoils me rotten in some ways but has the uncanny ability to keep me in line, but does it in a most loving way. We have only been married 3 1/2 months but it's been a great 3 1/2 months, and I am most thankful to have him in my life. Other than those two major things 2009 has been mostly uneventful for me. No major changes, Nothing really good, nothing really bad. It's been a pretty normal year, but for friends and family it has been a really tough year, and I hope that for their sake that the start of a new year, and the start of a new Decade brings with it happier and easier times.

For Josh and I 2010 will be the year he celebrates his 30th Birthday, and I will be 32, We have a few friends who will be welcoming additions to their families this year and that's exciting (and I can't wait to see the pictures of all the new babies), We will be starting a new chapter in our lives by packing up and leaving Los Angeles. For me this is honestly the most exciting part. I cannot wait to move to San Diego, I'm sad because by moving I leave behind some good friends and some very important family but I believe I have worn out my welcome here in LA. I will miss my Baseball team, but thankfully they play in San Diego at Least 4 times a year so that will make it easier on me. I will miss going to games with my Uncle the most, more than being able to turn on the TV on game night and being able to watch the game. It's that awesome bond that we made over a baseball team, it's great sitting in the stands in the seats we first bought as a family 7 years ago. I'll have to try to come up for at least 1 or 2 games a year. Then there is school I'll be starting my 3 semester and hopefully I will be very close to transferring to a major university after this semester is over. At least that is the goal. Josh will be finding a new job in the EMT Field, and working towards getting his Paramedic's License so that he can find work with a Fire department.
But mostly for the New year I look forward to being with my friends and family, and making new friends and hoping to make many happy memories. So now it's 13 hours and 51 minutes and 2010 will begin. I hope that it brings many new and happy memories for all of you.

Tough Cookies ... That's what I feel like Life is telling me right now.

2009-12-20T20:27:00.000-08:00

I've been having a tough time the last couple of weeks for oh so many reasons, at the top of the list is That it's 5 days until Christmas and Christmas is not going to be like anything I've ever had before this year, Second of all there are people in my life that have this amazing (and I mean that in a shocking way not a good way) sense of entitlement that seems to cloud their intelligence, and their sense of what is right and wrong and makes them behave as if someone has come and taken over their body and left a shell of the person that once was your friend, and last but not least, there are big decisions to be made, and they hinge on oh so many other events and it's hard to know if you're making the right decision when you're waiting on the other events to unfold before you know exactly where you're going to be in 6 months, a year or even 5 years from now.

Lets start with the top of the list and that's Christmas. Christmas is going to be very hard. Christmas Eve Not so much, Christmas Eve I have family and friends coming over, so that will be Easy, but Christmas day, that's another story. Josh is working, my parents don't live here, My sister has things going on with her friends and her Boyfriend's family and Due to some extenuating circumstances I don't think our roommate and I will be spending the day together. I have the option to go to Josh's work for a few hours but That will depend on a few things. Christmas has never been like that for me. Even in the years since My parents have moved I've always managed to pull something together for Christmas day but this year it's not going to happen and I don't know what exactly how well I'm going to handle it.

The so called friend with a the sense of entitlement well that's a long drawn out story but lets just say this person has gone through a lot in the past year, has made some major changes and moved forward and it has mostly been for the better but in the past month or so their attitude has changed for the worse, and now that person is treating Josh and I as if we are expendable. Like not matter how much we have helped them and done things for them they seem to think that when either one of us asks them to do something that it can be done on their time, or that it's not necessary and doesn't need to do it at all. All I have to say is that if you're not going to do it then just tell us so don't let us think you're going to take care of it and then just let it sit undone for weeks on end. It's over you'll be sorry when it the ride has stopped you'll be sorry.

As for the rest of life, so much is impacting what is going on in our lives right now, we know we're moving in the summer and we know we're moving to San Diego, we're just not sure where in San Diego or what our living situation is going to be. This all hinges on so much that is going on with everyone else around us. The fact that I don't know exactly where I'll be in 6 months has me going crazy. Absolutely Crazy. I know I have to switch schools I know that I have to hope that I can get the classes at the school I switch too and I know that everything will work out the way it's supposed to but I don't know if I can live with that answer right now. I'm not normally a huge planner but I do like to know what direction my life is going to take.

To Whom it may concern

2009-12-03T18:39:00.000-08:00

Community colleges of California,

To Whom it may concern,

Thank you so much for making my life harder and adding an extra semester to my time in Community college, I really appreciate it. I had a plan and I was 2 semesters away from getting out of the Community college system and someone made the awesome decision to detract from the general education classes and add to the arts. I have no problem with the arts, but when there are budget cuts, do not continue to allow more than 3 sections of each Art class, More than 3 sections of each music class. Not when there are hundreds of other people there that need to get the credits, and transfer. Please pull your heads out of your butts and realize that there are more people that need General Education classes than people who need art or music. It was very frustrating to not get into the classes I needed. I filled in with classes I didn't necessarily need but it wouldn't hurt to take, So now I've got one extra semester to sit around in your stupid system and for what, one stinking class. Thank you very much for screwing up my plans and making me put my life on hold more than I already have. I really appreciate it.

Regards,

A Disgruntled student trying to transfer.

Just over a month, that's all that left

2009-08-10T21:50:00.000-07:00

39 days to go, only 39 days. I cannot believe it. Josh and I started looking at getting married in March of 2008 We decided in April that we would get married and he proposed in June. It seemed like a world away, back in March when we first started talking about it. I was excited and wanted a small intimate wedding maybe a destination wedding, parents, grandparents and maybe siblings. Then we started talking about it more and realized we would be leaving out a lot of people that we care about if we did that. So we decided on the bigger wedding. We found a place a great venue and we set everything up and things had been going fine until about 3 months ago. My grandparents came to the realization that they weren't going to be able to make it. Then I sent the invitations out and it comes down to no grandparents, no brother, my best friend can't make it because of Military obligations, My officiant backed out two weeks ago. There are some upsides, I have people coming that I didn't think would come and that's great but they're not people I am close to. The people that I'm closest too aren't coming. It's hard to deal with. I don't have any really close friends anymore. Not that live close by the ones that I care about are all far away. Texas, North Dakota, Oregon, all over the place. I wish I had it all to do over again I'd do it the way that we had first talked about. I got all caught up in the craziness of wedding planning and let it get out of control and now I want the marriage but not the wedding. Not the wedding that I'm getting anyway. I'll get over it soon enough. I'm off to figure out my wedding ceremony .

It's funny how certain movies can make you think things that aren't what they were meant to provoke.

2009-04-26T17:17:00.000-07:00

I just finished watching Sex and the City the Movie(don't ask why I swore I never would and I never watched the show and I even made fun of people that watched it) and now I'm crying my eyes out. I know what's going through your heads, "it wasn't that bad a movie" or "there's no reason to cry it was a happy ending" or even "Jeez you have emotional problems girl" but it's because I'm jealous that's why, I'm jealous of the friendships they have. I don't have that and it makes me sad. I had friends, friends I changed my life for, friends I made decisions for that I wouldn't have made if I had known that they would run out of my life as quickly as they had come back in. As my wedding approaches It makes it all the worse. I was so sad watching that movie and seeing how they have that wonderful friendship just made me cry.

As my wedding approaches I am starting to really feel it. I only have 2 bridesmaids, Josh has 3 groomsmen, He has people to talk to about the wedding and me, I have people to talk to, but no one who's really excited about it with me. My parents are a couple thousand miles away, my closest friends are guys, and My sister isn't really all that into it. So here I am wishing I had someone to be excited about this with and someone to run around and do all the fun wedding stuff with. Josh is excited but that's different, and his mom has been helping but it's not the same. I feel kind of alone at the moment. My bridal party consists of my sister and an old family friend, Josh's are 3 of his closest friends that he's know for 5 years or longer some from Middle school. I feel lost. I feel like a loser.

It's amazing the how things change when you get a second chance.

2009-04-02T20:05:00.000-07:00

Today was the last day of class before Spring Break. Last week was stressful. I had a mid term exam in History, and a test in my Psychology class. I was not too sure about how I did on my History Exam but I felt really good about my Psychology test. Much to my surprise when we got our exams back today in History I had done a lot better than I thought and managed to get an A on my mid term. I was even more surprised to find out I had scored 100% on my Psychology test. I was not a good student in High-school. Not because I didn't understand the material but because I didn't apply myself. I seldom if ever did my homework and I managed to ace most of my tests but without the homework I never managed to do better than a C in classes I wasn't interested in. The classes I was interested in I actually applied myself a bit more and managed to squeeze a B or the occasional A. I never understood why that made my parents so angry. Now that I'm in my 30's I understand why. I tried going to college at College of the Canyons right after High-school but I was fed up with classes, and papers, math problems and text books. I wanted to be free from all of that so after a large sum of money had been paid I blew school off. I just up and quit. This made my parents especially my dad very angry with me. Again I didn't understand why. I got by on horrible retail jobs for about a year and then I'd had enough but I still didn't want to go back to school. I also knew that doing what I was doing for a job wasn't going to allow me to move out of my parents home and I didn't want to live there forever. My solution? Join the Air Force. I left in 1998 and I did 4 years. It was a great time and if I had to do it over again I would, I made some great friends and if it wasn't for that time I wouldn't be where I was today. I never used the opportunities to further my education that the military provided and until recently I felt I had wasted those opportunities. Now due to some circumstances that at first upset me, I have the option to go back to school and I'm glad to be there. I'm not pushing myself to the extreme but I am holding high expectations for myself. I'm glad that so far I'm meeting those expectations. I'm excited about my progress. I've always known that I've had it in me but I never tried. Now that I'm trying and taking it seriously I'm kicking myself in the butt for not doing this when the opportunities were first put out there for me. I finally understand what was so maddening for my parents. They're really happy that I'm doing well. I know that they would never tell me that I should have applied myself like this when the opportunity was there after high school, but they are thinking it. I think that it makes me work 10 times harder knowing that I have the chance to make all the bad grades from before go away, and finally do what my parents always knew I was capable of doing. Thanks Mom and Dad for always believing in me, even when I let you down, and thanks for being so supportive now, and not saying "I knew you could do it, and I don't understand why you wouldn't" but instead say " great job on your Test sweetheart, we're proud of you".

Beautiful Day

2009-03-21T11:52:00.000-07:00

It's cloudy outside, and it's kind of cold but it's still a wonderful day. I'm happy, happy, happy, and not for any particular reason at all, I must have just woken up on the right side of the bed. Normally when it looks like it does outside I have no energy, no motivation and not an ounce of happiness. The gray day just sucks all of that out of me. For some reason today is different. It's not like I have had the greatest few days. I hurt my hand, of all the ways I could have done it I strained a muscle while trying to open a Jelly Jar. Then I had to help change a tire and that made it worse. I have been very limited in what I can do. I've been going crazy with School, reading, Studying notes, math problems, and trying to figure out which way I want to go and how to get there. Today I'm Just cruising along smiling, and enjoying life. It's great. I'm thankful that today is a beautiful day in other ways rather than just the sun shining. Today I have studying to do, and some reading to do as well but for some reason today it doesn't seem like such a horrible thing.

Someone's Karma ran over my family

2009-03-09T20:45:00.000-07:00

It seems that if there is something going on in my family everyone seems to be falling apart. Well It just seems that nothing is going the way it should be for people right now. Things started badly 2 years ago when my grandmother passed away from Lung cancer. Then that Christmas my aunt was diagnosed with Breast Cancer. My aunt is fine she has been treated and is moving along nicely. My grandfather was diagnosed with Prostate Cancer shortly there after, he's also been treated and is going about his life normally, my cousin was recently Diagnosed with either Pre Cancerous cells or Cancer in his small Intestines. He's only 27 and he has a multitude of other medical Issues. Moving on my Aunt's husband was driving home from work last Sunday and either had a Massive Heart Attack or a stroke and passed away. Thankfully he was almost pulled off the road before it happened so no one was hurt and his vehicle wasn't completely totaled. This week my younger sister was Diagnosed with SLE which is Lupus. I can't help but wonder what is going on with my family that all these people in my family are being Diagnose with such horrible diseases, or passing away. Did someone somewhere do something so horribly wrong that this bad karma is lingering that is causing all of this. Probably not but when things like this happen it makes you wonder. I guess my family is just genetically pre-disposed to things like this. I'm not sure why. It's just not a good thing. I'm starting to wonder what could possibly happen to me. I know it's a horrible, and I shouldn't think about things like that. I know I shouldn't be sitting here waiting for the other shoe to fall. It's a bad way to get through life. So I'm trying really hard not to think about it, and get through day to day and be there for my sister, and my cousin and just be happy that I have all that I have and that I am happy with my life as it is right now. It's hard to keep that positive outlook but right now it's what I have to do.

Getting Through School

2009-03-08T11:27:00.000-07:00

I have had my first tests in two of my classes this last week. I didn't do so well on my Psychology test but my professor said everyone does badly on the first test, so it's not that big deal. I still passed it just not with the grade I wanted. I haven't yet seen the grade on my math test but I actually felt really good about it. You know I haven't understood a math class this well since 4th grade. I'm proud of myself. English seems to be going well too. I have been turning in papers that require little or no revision. I'm not sure about my History class because I just did my first assignment and I don't know what grade I got on it yet. I'm sure I could check the class website. Maybe I will. So far I'm proud of my progress I was very worried and I felt it was a Daunting task to get up and start school again. I'm enjoying myself, I'm learning and I'm happy with it. The only thing that's kind of Looming in front of me right now is trying to decide what school I want to transfer to and figure out how I'm supposed to get through all these classes to get the credits I need to transfer. It will all work out but for now I need to focus on the classes I'm in and get through them with high marks. That's all I need.

Tales of Woe at the DMV

2009-02-23T14:04:00.000-08:00

Oh the wonderful world of the DMV. I love the DMV, well no I don't I hate the DMV. They are probably the most inefficient Government Agency and I've dealt with a lot of them. How is it that so many people can work for the same people yet everyone is going to give you a different answer in how things are done. Don't they all work with the same documents, don't they all provide the same function. So why is that there is not standard answer? I don't know either, and it's frustrating. You talk to someone on the phone they tell you one thing, you go into the office and one person will tell you one thing and by the time your number has been called the person handling your case has a completely different answer for you. YOU ALL WORK AT THE SAME PLACE THEREFOR YOU SHOULD ALL KNOW THE RULES!!!!!!!!! AAH Frustrating. I mean really frustrating. So I spent a good 2.5 hours of my morning fighting with the DMV. I got what I needed done but I still had to fight with them to get it done. The worst part about it s that they say you can save time by making an appointment there were people there that had appointments that were waiting longer than I am. The worst part about it is that do to the mess the governor has made of our fair state there are huge budget down falls, so not only do the people that work there not all know the rules there aren't enough of them to help you. To top it all off they are now shut down the first and third Friday of every month to save the state money well It makes for a busier Monday the Following Monday that's for sure. I have no learned my lesson, The DMV is not my friend and will never be my friend but good Old Arnold has made it worse. So You don't go to the DMV the Monday after their 4 day work week, it's just not a good thing to do.

No good Deed Goes Unpunished

2009-02-14T13:16:00.000-08:00

It seems that no matter how nice I am to people I always the short end of the stick. I've had many instances where I've been kind enough to help people in their hour of need and in return I get dumped on.

For instance I had a friend who was in need of a car, I allowed him to drive a car that I was not using. I told him he needed to do what he could to get his car fixed or get a new car as soon as possible. A few weeks later he still had not done so. So I was nice enough to let him continue to use the car, and then the parking tickets started coming in. I tried to reach him about it but the phone number he gave me was no longer in use, it took me 3 months to track him down and then he only responded because I threatened to report the car stolen. He'd moved to Riverside and taken the car with him and didn't bother to call and let me know. When I got it back the car was a mess. It was full of trash and all was running like crap.

Then I had a friend who needed a place to stay (she also happened to be dating one of our roommates). So we opened our home to her and let her stay when we moved her and her boyfriend came with us. She continuously broke my dishes and glasses, stole money from my change jar, Stole make up and clothes from me, and didn't contribute around the house, and finally enough was enough we had to ask her to leave.

Which brings me to my latest dilemma My current car. I allow my roommate to drive it because he had some issues and no longer has his car. I'm not working so I don't need it every day. Well after months of driving it he gets a DUI last night. Now not only is he sitting in jail but my car is impounded and I have no way to get it until Monday, and the issue is the car is in my Parent's name, and I now had to call my parents to let them know that they had to call to get it released.

So I guess I have just got to be a jerk from now on and not help anyone else.

Valentine's day Bah Humbug

2009-02-13T13:52:00.000-08:00

Oh Valentines day, What a Holiday. I was desensitized to it by my ex-husband, mostly because he was a jerk and then after we were married it was more because our wedding anniversary was 9 days later so why dole out the money for two events when one obviously had more meaning to us than a holiday now based on the card companies, and florists needing to have one day a year where they rake in all the money. So now I'm at this dilema I have hurt Josh's feelings. We've been together for 3 years and in that 3 years I have reluctantly celebrated Valentines day with him twice (the first year we got together after Valentines day). This year I'm just not all that into it. I mean why should I pick one day out of the year to buy a mushy card, and tell Josh I love him. I buy him mushy cards when I feel like it and I tell him I love him every day. He's a wonderful guy. But he's wanting to do this Valentines day thing so Now here it is the 13th and I have no card and no plan. I mean it's not like he's going to come home with Flowers and a nice little gift tomorrow. So what do I do? I don't know. I suppose I could run out while he's at work tomorrow and find some sweet mushy gushy card but I don't know.

The last time I had fun at Valentines day was probably in 8th grade. After that I don't remember much about it. I don't remember if I got anything or even if I cared, I just never was a big fan after the Elementary school parties stopped. So now I have to figure something out.

Back to School, back to school, oh what fun, back to school

2009-02-10T21:03:00.001-08:00

Today was my first day back to school. It's been a long day, I managed to get all my classes back to back and they meet two days a week, Tuesdays and Thursdays. Luckily I get to rest tomorrow. I have to say I was anxious and felt very weird going back to school. It was with a lot of apprehension that I set off on my walk to school this Morning. I had a lot of thoughts going through my head, most of them completely irrational fears. I was worried I was going to have classes full of kids that didn't care that were only there because their parents made them go to school (there were a few in each class but not as many as I thought there would be). I was scared that people would realize that I was this 30 year old woman that has somehow managed to get into a position where starting over and going back to school were my only options, and last but not least I was scared that my professors would be awful. No one figured out my age, no one cared, and most of my professors were pretty interesting. See completely irrational.

So I'm pulling a completely full load. I have For my first class Math 112 which is Pre- Algebra because well I'm mathematically challenged. So I go back to where I was 16 years ago when I was in 8Th grade and I start my Math education over again. My Math professor is pretty cool. He's a bit hard to understand because of his accent but he said before we move on to another section everyone will have to understand the material, so that the class will all have the same advantage on the tests. That made me happy because not being a math genius this was the class I was most worried about. Then on to History of Western Civilization. This class seems easy enough. I am a whiz at history so if I don't pass this class I there will be problems. I should get an B at the lowest grade. I'm holding myself to very high standards in this class as it's one of those things I know I can do. It didn't get very interesting today as all we did was go over the syllabus. Moving on to English 101. I think I picked the worst professor at Valley for English. She's hard to hear so if you aren't sitting in the center in the first 2 rows you won't hear anything. To top it off she announced another text that wasn't on the book list at the bookstore. So there's more money I have to spend. But I'm hoping that I this class will help me with the Writing skills I lack at this time. However I love my Psychology class. My Psychology Professor is a crazy guy that is very animated and after a long day of not so interesting classes he put some excitement back in my day. Out of all the classes his was the most interesting.

All in all I had a pretty good day, we shall see what Thursday brings. Thankfully I only had one class assign work and that was my Math class. I got some of it done between classes because a couple of them let us go a bit early so I went to the Library sat down and did as much as I could before I had to head over to my next class, and finished it up when I got home. Which is nice because tomorrow I have other stuff to handle.

So 1 day down, quite a few more to go but I'm not optimistic, instead of apprehensive. I really should try the "glass half full" view a lot more than I do.

Why is it that with the rain comes the idiots?

2009-02-06T22:06:00.000-08:00

Believe it or not it rains in Southern California. Oh yes it does, and today it came down in torrents, it was intermittent but it happened none the less. To make matters worse with the rain comes the idiot drivers.

Well the idiot drivers are here all the time but when it rains the really bad drivers just come out of the woodwork. It's incredible how many people endanger the lives of others on the road. People driver faster, and more erratically when the roads are wet. Just going 4 miles from my house to the Sushi restaurant I went to with a friend took over an hour because some idiot was driving like a maniac and wrecked in the Middle of the road. When the rain is coming down in buckets and is flooding the roads it's not a good idea to weave in and out of traffic at high speeds. You end up spinning out and getting in a head on collision with the traffic you spun into.

It scared me to have to get into the car to come back home. Thankfully the traffic had let up and it only took the normal 15 minutes to get home. I'm so glad I didn't have to drive and that my friend came to pick me up. I don't know why but I'm scared to death to drive now a day's and even more so when it rains.

Now I know that there are idiot drivers everywhere but sometimes the way that people drive here makes me want to leave this area that I have a love hate relationship with.

I know it's what I have to do but at the same time I'm Aprehensive.

2009-02-05T12:22:00.000-08:00

I'm starting to feel a bit anxious. Here it is Thursday, classes start on Tuesday and I'm actually starting to get a little freaked out by it. Here I am 30 years old and I'm about to enter a world full of under 25 year old people. I'm Just a little worried. My sister's friends already make me feel old when they find out my age. One night while over at her house one of her friends was complaining about being old and turning 30, when I admitted that was my age he turned around and said " Oh my God what's that like?" I felt like I had just told him I had been held up at gun point and saw my life flash before me. Now I'm going to be heading to classes where I'll be looked at like that by most of the people in there. My fears may be unfounded but I am worried.

Don't get me wrong I'm excited about the idea of going to school. I really am because it gets me out of the house and I will be on the road to a better life for myself and for Josh but I'm scared.

I'm scared of letting myself down because I'm holding myself to and impossible standard. I know what I'm capable of but I haven't been in school for 13 years. I'm scared of Failing because I am not good at math. I'm scared that I'll get so far and then I'll just step back and realize that what I thought I wanted wasn't what I really wanted, and I'll have to start all over again. I realize that all of these fears are totally irrational. I know I hold the keys to my success I just have to keep myself focused. Staying focused is a problem for me, not because I have ADD, or something like that, I just get bored if I'm not challenged.

So I sit here counting down the days to when I finally start walking down the new road I found. I just hope I can stay on the road and not go sight seeing.

Rain, rain went away and brought a smile for the brand new day

2009-01-26T11:04:00.000-08:00

The weather has finally broken, no more rain at least that's what the forecast said for the day. The skies outside are telling the same story. Beautiful blue skies, not a sight you see often in the San Fernando Valley. Although the rain takes all my motivation and washes it away, it does however take all the nasty grossness that fouls the air here and washes it away as well. I'm now motivated to do so many things. It's beautiful outside and I have a long list of things I'd like to accomplish today.

I love it when the air is crisp and clean outside you go outside and take in a deep breath and it's so invigorating. The sun is shining and while it's not exactly warm outside it's still beautiful. I got started bright and early and I know that I'll be going long until the afternoon. I might even grab one of my school books and start reading it to see what I'm in for. I have so much energy and so much ambition today. I'm thankful for it, I don't know where it came from but I'm glad that I have it. So like many other things I've learned to appreciate I will not question it, I will accept it and I will be more than happy to go through the day with this wonderful happy smile on my face, and not let anything take it away.

Random thoughts on my life

2009-01-10T13:27:00.000-08:00

It's Saturday afternoon and I still haven't gotten my day started. I've gotten showered and dressed, but that's about it. I have so much more to do, I have Laundry to do, I have a house to clean, and I've got about a million other things I should be doing but I'm not. I'm Trying to figure out a ton of stuff. I should have bought my school books but I'm balking at the expenditure, which is totally rediculous because I've already paid for the classes. Can you even see where I'm going with this? Good because I can't either.

I feel Blah, even though it's perfectly sunny outside, and the skies are clear because the wind is blowing I feel blah. Like existence doesn't matter today. Like just being isn't enough right now. I guess I feel like my days as the "housewife" are just not fulfilling enough. I don't like being at home. As much as I would say I didn't want to go to work, I find myself feeling jealous when Josh gets up and goes to work. I was so jealous when he got to stay home all day. Now that the tables have turned I find myself bored with TV, bored with the house, not wanting to go out and be social and having an extreme dislike for the general population. It's a good thing My friends are not considered the general population. I would go insane without them.

I have been trying very hard to stay positive waiting for school to start. Thankfully it does start in just a few short weeks, and inbetween now and school starting I get to make a trip to Fort Collins Colorado to meet Josh's grandparents. Yay a new adventure. I'm excited to be out of the house, out of the city, out of the state. I'm feeling a little pathetic about that. I don't feel as if I'm contributing, I don't feel as if I'm doing any of the things that I should be. I've lost all interest in House keeping. I find myself not even wanting to get out of bed, the only reason I do is because I have 2 cats that are relentless and when they want to eat they want to eat so unless I want to become food I have no choice but to get up and feed them. So I suppose I should thank them for not allowing me to become completly lost in this.

I feel as if I'm hiding it well to a point but I shouldn't be hiding it. I shouldn't have to hide it. I should be up and about and trying to make people understand what I'm going through. I guess I just feel that once school starts things will get better, and I am really hoping that. I'm great at helping other people put a positive spin on what's going on with them, and how to get through things and being there for them to help them through, but I am terrible at doing these things for myself. So we shall see I hope school is the answer because I've been kicking myself for a long time about not doing this, and nowis the time. So School here I come.

Good bye 2008, Hello 2009 and all that's coming with it

2008-12-31T10:43:00.000-08:00

Wow, here it is the last day in 2008. I can't say I'm sad to see it go, but a lot of things have happened this year. Some good some bad. I'm glad a new year is starting for so many reasons but mostly because it's a new year. So Good bye 2008 hello 2009 and here are a few lists of good things, bad things and the reason why 2009 will be better.

Good things from 2oo8 (in no particular order)

1. I turned 30 (I know strange that I would be happy about that but it's a good thing trust me)

2. Josh Proposed

3. I got to spend lots of time with my family because of my job.

4. I lost my job (trust me it's a good thing)

5. I was given a new opportunity in life.

6. I reconnected with old friends

7. I found out a lot about myself as a person.

8. I figured out who my real friends are.

9. I go closer to my sister

10. I finally figured out what i want to be when I grow up and I figured out how to grow up

Bad things

1. I don't get to see my family anymore because I lost my job.

2. I lost friends (or people I thought were my friends)

3. we moved again and the roommate situation didn't improve.

4. Christmas didn't feel like Christmas

See the good outweighed the bad

Reasons I look forward to 2009

1. I'm making a trip to Colorado I've never been there before :)

2. Keeping those new connections with old friends open.

3. Josh and I are getting married

4. I get to start school

5. I get to start another year in my new Grown up life

6. I have my kitties.

7. Many New things to look forward too.

No more Princess and here's Why.

2008-12-28T12:13:00.000-08:00

So why did the "Princess Abdicate" ? It's a long story, and I'm going to share it with you.

The Princess was what I called myself, why did I call myself this, well I was going through a divorce and I decided that "It was all about me because I am a princess". It made me feel better about everything that was going on. I was having a hard time dealing with what happened and I wasn't coping very well. On the outside I was fine I gave the appearance of being in a great mood and that all was right with the world but it wasn't. I was devastated (who isn't when they find out their spouse was cheating on them), and I used my little attitude to make myself feel better. I would tell everyone I was a princess, and I got away with it, and I kept going with it. People I was friends with started feeding in to it, and I kept the charade up. Well I'm no longer friends with these people and I'm no longer having issues dealing with the hurt my ex Husband caused me. So I no longer need the Princess. I created that attitude and that being to help myself through a tough time, and now I'm through it and on to better things. I have a wonderful man and in 9 months I will be his wife. I'm excited. So the Princess has abdicated the throne. All that's left is me. I'm here, I'm excited about life, and I'm happy about all the changes that have been made. I can't wait to get started. So The princess may be gone but the Woman that was left in her place is strong, happy, and finally going to do something with all of that.

New Beginnings to Old Stories

2008-12-26T15:39:00.000-08:00

I love making new connections with old friends. It's wonderful. It really, really is. It makes you realize that even though time has gone by there are some people in your life that at some point will come back around :) I've had a tough time in the past with these connections. I've made them and they have fallen apart but it's part of learning, and growing up no one stays the same. No one is who they were when you were in Elementary, Jr. High, or High School. That doesn't matter though what matters is that when you "re-find" (for lack of a better term I am sure that the word doesn't exist) that you keep in mind that this is a new beginnings to an old story. You can't determine the outcome, you can only hope that the best will happen and that's that you will stay in touch and hopefully keep that relationship going for as long as you can. That's what makes finding old friends so great. I've had a few good finds some a few years ago and they've fizzled out, some recent and I'm still waiting to see what happens with those. Either way I don't regret finding them, I'm actually happy that I did. Things are always changing but that's life.

So here's to New Beginnings to Old Stories and may they make new Stories in 2009. To all my "new" old Friends, I'm glad you're back. Take care and The best to you in this new year, and don't lose touch, I'd like to keep you all around for a while :)

It's Begining to Look a lot like Christmas... Who am I kidding it looks like it but doesn't feel like it

2008-12-24T07:38:00.000-08:00

It's Christmas Eve, and it doesn't feel like it. Yes I have a tree up and yes there are decorations and I even have the fireplace going. I'm cooking dinner tonight and I have stockings ready to go, for Josh, my sister, and My roommate, but there's next to nothing to open. No big Christmas this year. It's actually kind of depressing. I couldn't put the presents under the tree because I have a small Kitten that is very destructive and anything that was put under the tree wouldn't have stayed a surprise for very long. I think it's the lack of family, and my usually family traditions. Last year Josh and I went to Alabama and spent Christmas with my family, the year before we went to San Diego and had Christmas with his family. This year we stayed here in LA and I'm miserable. I've spent the last few days trying not to cry about it. Due to our Job situations and what not we couldn't afford to do gifts for each other so decided to go to Disneyland. So we're getting up early tomorrow and Josh and I are taking my sister and meeting his parents at Disneyland.

While this is wonderful it's not what I'm used to. I'm used to Large Family Gatherings Christmas Eve where we exchange gifts to each other and have a nice relaxed meal of Sandwiches and Vegetable sticks, and then Christmas Morning we get up and we do other Presents (so what if I'm 30 years old Santa still loves me My parents like to still do Santa even if we're all grown up and out of the house. I think they are still having a hard time letting go of us. We'll all get Santa until we have kids, then those children will probably be the most spoiled kids ever on Christmas After we do) our "Santa" we would clean up and get ready for the real dinner. Then the whole family would come back over and we would have a great time. I miss those days.

So this year it's Josh and I, my sister, our roommate and I'm hoping that my Aunt and Uncle make it over as well. I don''t think that they will but I hope that they do. So Hopefully next year we'll have a more "authentic" Christmas. I'm sure it will be easier on everyone. One of these years we'll have to get the whole family together, My parents, Josh's Parents, and Aunts and Uncles. That would be great. Until then Tomorrow at Disneyland will have to do. I hope we have a good day.

Getting Through it all

2008-12-20T13:31:00.000-08:00

I'm getting through it all, slowly but surely, it's all coming together. Between friends coming and going, wedding planning, being laid off and realizing that changes needed to be made, it's been a rough patch. I've started down the road and thankfully it's been going smoothly. Things are coming together. I just need to be patient.

Starting with friends. It's always a hard realization when things fall apart between friends. Whether it starts as something small and explodes or it is something petty, it's never easy to lose a friend. In the past year or so I've had old friends come back in my life and leave, for many reasons. I've made new friends and realized that they were not the people I thought they were, and I've made contact with people that I never thought I'd speak to again and that's a work in progress. One I'm looking forward to seeing through to the end whether it's just e-mail's or actual meetings I know that I have no control over the outcome of this I'll just have to be patient.

Wedding planning has been going very smoothly. There really hasn't been any hiccups in that department. I've been very lucky that it's been an easy process. I have a wonderful Fiance that has been more than understanding and has been very helpful in all aspects. Nothing unexpected has happened and I've found everything I needed. I cannot complain.

In other areas things have been a little stressful. I was laid off from a Job I loved but a company I hated. It was however a great Job. It's been hard to get over I've not been able to find a new job, and I've had no motivation to do anything that I should be doing. I have been having the hardest time adjusting to not working. After years of getting up early in the morning driving to work and working between 40 and 60+ hours a week I just don't know what to do. However things are looking up.

I've recently made the decision to go back to school. Something had to give, I had not bothered to work to hard at education earlier in life so Now I am paying for it, which lends to the lack of job prospects. So I start school February 9th. It's going to be interesting being in my early 30's and heading back to school. I haven't taken a class in an accredited institution in 12 years. I didn't start off light either. I took on a full course load, English, History, Math, and Psychology. I realized that when you work in a field that requires the company you work for to be making Money that your job is always at risk. In light of these facts I've decided to change my career path and move into education. Special education to be exact. I'm going to hopefully get through this program and be able to work with Autistic children. That's the goal anyway and I'm going to do anything and everything I have to do to make that goal a reality.

So that is what's going on here, just have to get through it all, and it seems like it's all going to work out. So I'll smile and keep a positive attitude and work really hard to get where I want to be in life. I have nothing to lose at this point.